Thu Sep  5 12:47:34 AM MDT 2024
i'm starting a blog. when i was young i started several blogs, and even
a forum, but they've never lasted long. no particular reason in my eyes,
just never really had anything to say. i guess i still don't. i find it
hard to know what i feel about things, which makes it hard for me to
decide if any input i have on any matter is worth anything. it probably
isn't. i can't really tell how i feel most of the time. which makes
writing a blog really intimidating out there. there's a lot of people
who are excellent at explaining things so well. i'm not one of those
people. i wish i could describe to you how i felt, though i don't know
the words either.

i don't know if i was always like this. i don't know if i will always be
like this. when i was young, i was relatively likeable. i still am, i
like to think. i've discovered recently that i'm quite boring. i don't
like a lot of stuff, and don't like doing most things either. i don't
find the value in experiencing new things, and most of the time i don't
enjoy going outside. i have to go outside though, and each time it's a
chore. i think brushing my teeth is a chore. its 12:30am, and i have to
wake up in about 4 hours, and still haven't brushed my teeth. i even
paid like $300 dollars to get them whitened, and yet i can't muster the
strength to go brush them. one sec. i will do that now that i'm writing
it and can really bask in how pathetic i am.

don't worry i'm brushing my teeth, really.

ok it's done now. took me about 4 minutes. i don't really feel better.
i've tried all sorts of things to make me feel better and nothing really
helps. i went to the gym for like a year. that didn't do anything. tried
all sorts of exercise, and still hate all of them. so i went back to
smoking. i guess i could try no technology, but i really depend on it
for my livelihood. i don't have any social media, besides maybe a
YouTube account though I don't comment. to be honest I don't watch a lot
of YouTube it feels. I don't watch a whole lot of anything. it's hard to
say what i spend my time doing. i really couldn't tell you. just know
it's nothing impressive or concerning or even noteworthy.

i'm gonna end this now. i typed all this in basically one go, except by
toothbrushing brake. not sure if i will go to bed or not. but i'm not
gonna be here.

i'll leave you with a song. i listened to it a lot today on the train.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdd4NBUmVUQ